A Change of Plans

I never planned on being divorced or to be left to raise a child alone in this world but that is what happened. Divorce isn't always what you imagine it to be. There are a number of things that I didn't know when I started this journey and I have included some of them here.

It will take Time to Heal

I thought when my husband first left, I was just going to die. There were times when I would just start to hyperventilate and had to leave the house. My whole world had just ended and I was devastated. The feeling of being alone is something that still haunts me to this day but I am learning to accept it. There are still days when I can be brought to tears when a memory of our life together comes into my mind. But I am happy to say that life does go on, as much as I thought it wouldn’t it does, time truly does have a healing effect. I realize that that part of my life was not meant to last forever. With the passing of time it feels less important and does not consume my thoughts as it used to.

Child Visitation and Child Support are not Tied Together

Child Visitation and Child Support are two separate issues. It seems like such a natural to think that if your spouse does not pay child support that he can’t see the children. After all, it was my only tool to try to get him to pay. But it does not work that way. As hard as it is to separate these two issues, do your best. Do not interfere with your child's relationship with the other parent. My daughter has a relationship with her father that has nothing to do with me. Yes, it was very hard to accept but I had to. Your child needs a relationship with both parents. Do not place your children in the position of having to choose between parents, do not put them in the position of having to show partiality.

Divorce will not change your Ex-Spouse

My ex husband was always late when we were married and he continued to be so after we divorced. Do not expect reform in the behavior of the other parent. Be realistic, accept that this person is not going to change. Learn to accept, overlook and forgive or else you are going to spend a lot of wasted energy and emotions on your ex. Build good will if possible. Be quick to acknowledge reasonableness and cooperation when it occurs. Be fair and helpful when it is possible. Do not, however, give in to unreasonable demands, and do not bend over backwards to be accommodating. Identify and avoid destructive communications with the other parent. Exercise self-control to stay out of exchanges around issues you know from experience become repetitive and without a productive outcome.

A few lessons in closing

Learn to let go. Make peace with what happened. Divorce changes your life forever. You will learn things about yourself that you would never have known otherwise. You will learn that you are a strong person and capable of much more than you ever thought you were. Actions speak louder than words. Children aren't blind to the problems of their parents. Good friends are an invaluable source of strength. Some friends are not worth keeping. Forgiveness is a difficult and long process. Anger is part of the healing process. Love doesn't always last forever. People change. Nothing worth having comes easily. Even spouses have their limits. One person cannot keep a marriage together. One person can break a marriage apart. The legal system is not always fair. You learn that you never really knew the person you trusted with your life. Waiting for someone else to change is pointless. If you want control of your life, you must take it instead of waiting for someone to give it to you. Trust your instincts.


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